A Post Originally Written For Instagram Towards The Start Of My Recovery:
This morning I had a mini win over this illness over an issue that I think many with an eating disorder experience, but that is rarely recognised….
Money spending and allowing yourself new things.
Before this eating disorder I was careful with money but was also happy to spend it and felt little guilt about doing so: once I had decided on and made a purchase that was it!
Within the illness spending money became harder – whether on food or other things. The cheapest versions of items had to be sourced – products on reduced or at the very end of the sales were small victories (as long as they were also deemed essential). Hours were lost finding the shops that sell a product for the best price – this can include things as ridiculous as bread where it is literally pennies that are saved!
Clothes have been especially difficult to buy and keep. Returning items to the store even after hours of agonisingly persuading myself to buy something is my status quo.
I know psycho analysts would say that this was down to a lack of self worth – that I don’t feel that I ’deserve’ nice things or to spend money on myself.
I call b****ks to that!
This has nothing to do with self worth or feeling I don’t deserve.
The fact so many with a restrictive eating disorder also experience this is, I am sure, due to a starved brain perceiving us to be living in an environment where all resources are scarce and so sends messages that everything should be preserved and not wasted (including money!).
As time goes on this behaviour of difficulty in spending money becomes ingrained, even though we know rationally it is not appropriate.
So back to today…
I had allowed myself to buy a pair of ‘recovery’ trousers a couple of weeks ago – lovely and baggy with elasticated waist so room for weight gain without making me feel uncomfortable.
I did manage to get them with 20% off but my ED brain was persuading me that they will go into a bigger sale soon.
The trousers have been staring at me everyday since and today I thought that enough is enough – I need those trousers and I am keeping them!
Off came the labels & on went the trousers & I feel good.. this is teaching my brain that it is ok to keep new clothes & wear them!