A Post Originally Written For Instagram Towards The Start Of My Recovery:
It has been an odd day today…
I arranged to go and visit my grandparents who are in their 90s this morning and it was important to me to see them and spend time with them.
However, I was caught by surprise at the level of anxiety this simple trip caused me…
The anxiety too was not generated by unplanned food changes or fears or other huge eating related worries that many would think.
The anxiety seemed to merely be generated by the change to my usual eating disorder recovery routine and bubble.
I know before starting recovery I had a very narrow eating disorder generated comfort zone or safety blanket of rigid routine and fixed ED compulsions.
Since starting this recovery I’ve made my comfort zone much wider in so many ways and pushed hard against its suffocating walls. .
I’m eating more, resting more, gaining weight and breaking compulsions.
The level of anxiety that hit today then at such a small change in my day shook me and left me despondent and frustrated.
I realise the work I’m doing and have done is all well and good but at the moment the finish line isn’t even in sight.
I know they say too the anxiety in recovery gets worse before it gets better and perhaps this is partly it too.
Eating disorders really do wriggle into every aspect of our lives, not just food and exercise etc and so few get the true impact…. The recovery process is so much more than eating, resting and weight restoring- it’s really learning to live again.
However, I want a future where I can easily spend hours relaxing with loved ones and not feel anxious and distracted if I do, so continuing to push and work at every part of recovery is the only option as I see it.
Oh, and the goodies in the pic are what you get when your Granny knows you are trying to gain weight after an eating disorder!