Between a rock and a hard place in eating disorder recovery…
That’s where I currently feel I’m at in this stage of my recovery journey.
The initial stage is almost a honeymoon stage… foods are suddenly more ‘allowed’ as you start to disobey ED rules and eat a bit less restrictively and drive down on other behaviours.
At first it’s a sense of freedom and a feeling of being like a kid in a candy store (almost literally).
Then ED wakes up and realises something is amiss.
The weight gain becomes a little more and feels less comfortable.
The foods start to lose their uniqueness.
The anxiety ramps up.
Now though, letting ED a win feels frustrating, miserable, creates a sense of having failed and I feel disappointed in myself.
On the other hand, allowing ED a brief win: in the moment can also be hugely calming and feel safe.
Consistently going against the demands of the illness in every way takes vigilance, it’s relentless, it’s living with constant anxiety, it’s tears and irritability at times and it’s a fight or flight response that has to be broken whenever food is mentioned!
However, there are moments you beat the ED and feel powerful but then at the next meal or snack you have to find the courage and determination to do so again.
A day off from recovery would be great but I now don’t know what that would even look like!
I’d feel like a failure and frustrated if I relented to the ED rules for a day and yet it’s anxiety, terror and irritability to be in full on ED bashing duty!
Darned if do, darned if don’t!
But if it feels wrong in either direction I guess the only direction to go is the recovery route. At least that direction is the one, deep down i know is right, no matter how wrong it feels in the moment!
So with that in mind I’m pushing harder. Sick of the tug of war within me I’m putting the rope down and just going MY way to my future, leaving ED behind.