I wish recovery was all happy cake eating, coffee shops, smiling moments with loved ones & feeling relaxed lying on the sofa munching pizza & watching Netflix.
Reality is different.
Yes, there are moments of eating better, cake & pizza, coffee shop trips which can be enjoyable but these are also all associated with feelings of guilt & anxiety before, during & after.
Yesterday I had a good day…
I broke down some of the fixed rules that were frustrating me. I ate more, I went out & enjoyed being in the world & felt more ‘normal’.
It was a glimpse of an ED free life.
Today though, ED decided to let me know it wasn’t done with me yet. .
I might have won a battle yesterday but not the war. A good day does not a full recovery make.
This morning I woke up anxious, my head was in a fog & my ability to think rationally about recovery seemed lost.
Eating more food today than my ‘safety zone’ was terrifying & yet the thought of eating within the ED rules also left me feeling defeated.
I ate breakfast & then anxieties & emotions got the better of me.
My poor family who tried to help – I pushed away, feeling confused & in strong fight or flight mode- I am ashamed to say that they were fought against or I fled from them.
In this state, I left it too long before eating again.
The longer I left it without eating, the stronger the energy deficit & ED mindset became & food became even more terrifying.
Eventually, anger took over. .
I stopped being angry at offers of help & turned the anger on the illness.
I went to the shops & stocked up on foods that the ED was tormenting me by saying I could not eat.
Once more, I sat & started eating.
As I ate my power returned.
I would eat to recovery.
Today, the ED tried to win & very nearly defeated me.
The answer though always was food & eating very regularly!
ED fights but our best weapon is food.
With each bite ED is weaker. The rules are broken.
Yes, ED will try again to raise feelings of guilt & disgust at food consumed but the answer then too will be to eat. The better the brain is nourished & thinking more clearly; the more rewiring occurs & we eventually recover.