I’m currently at a point in recovery where the negative aspects of the process can be intense & overwhelming.
The honeymoon phase of enjoying more and new foods & the novelty of recovery actions being a little more possible is well & truly over.
It feels the hard work has set in with not even a glimmer of light yet visible or even of a possible end.
Negative feelings & emotions can hit each day like a high speed train.
What I think of as the ‘side effects to eating disorder treatment’ – feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, guilt, angst, doubt, fear, depression & loss have become close acquaintances.
Some days, the urges to restrict or compensate feel more present than they ever did in the illness & now it’s a minute by minute slog to identify but disregard these powerful disordered thoughts.
Doubts in the overall process also arise- can I do it?
It’s exhausting, relentless & alongside this there is the discomfort of a changing & growing body to accept.
Things might be improving in tiny ways but I still feel socially disabled, overwhelmed at tiny things, with a strong desire to withdraw from the world.
Today, more than ever, the urge to turn back & return to my numb ED bubble was strong.
But no – that cannot be an option, so instead I remind myself why I WILL continue:
– To NEVER return to the cold isolated ED world.
– Because the worse days in recovery are not as bad as even the best days in the illness.
– For my parents who hold hope, offer support & tolerate everyday of my recovery rollercoaster.
– A future in which I can laugh, have a social life, enjoy cake or wine without guilt or calculations.
– The possibility of children is gone but a future less conventional family might be possible!
– To enjoy & be fully present in a career again.
– To be spontaneous, fun, relaxed.
– To love & re-build stronger relationships with my loved ones.
– To just enjoy a simple life!
– To really feel present in the world.
– To be healthy enough to advocate for better approaches to eating disorder treatment & help make lives for those with an ED a bit more hopeful.
For me to believe any of this is possible takes blind faith in the process & curiosity, while staying true to recovery action.