Oh to one day be able to mindlessly eat a sandwich like this and it be such a normal part of the day that if someone asks what I had for lunch I have to spend a few moments to remember!
I have to believe that day will come.
But today having this sandwich was a big push against the eating disorder.
I literally had to make myself buy it, zoom home and eat it before engaging my head in any way!
And I did.. I even enjoyed it at the time and after felt good about it.
I then went out later for an iced latte with mum and chatted leisurely.
It was only this evening that the eating disorder caught up on events and put its foot down.
The urges to restrict and compensate returned like a tidal wave and the anxiety peaked, resulting in my first ever full panic attack.
I’m not going to pretend it has been a comfortable evening!
However, with incredible support I got through and have continued to eat more.
And despite this experience not being all roses and rainbows, I have to reflect on the positives – a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have even looked at or considered a sandwich like this, particularly with everything else I’d eaten in the day and although the anxiety was awful while it lasted I’m learning it won’t quite kill me!
I know this is a necessary part of recovery and it will slowly get easier.
After tonight I’m naturally terrified of challenging a sandwich like this again but I also know I have to and very soon to teach my brain it doesn’t need to generate such a panic response!
Recovery really ain’t pretty at times but recovery from a lot of illnesses is painful or uncomfortable and to get well treatment must continue!