Anyone else feel like having an eating disorder in their life has given them multiple identities through time?
I’ve been reflecting on who I’ve been and how I’ve felt and lived pre, during and in recovery now from this eating disorder.
In the illness I was cold, hollow, numb, rigid, emotionless, functioning on a basic level, routine driven, controlling, isolating.
Not surprisingly I was no fun to be around and had little joy in my life.
BUT despite all this it also felt bizarrely safe and I felt grounded although very depressed inside.
I was also quite highly functioning… managing a career, home and to be independent .
In recovery I am confused, scared, anxious, desperate, with poor concentration and emotions that are a complete rollercoaster!
I am hungry, fearful of what the future might be, fearful of returning to the ED state, in limbo, and feel more dependent and disempowered than I ever have.
Pre-illness though I was a relaxed, calm, content, independent and loving woman.
I was a lover of food and zero activity(!), body accepting and I looked forward to a future full of possibilities.
This pre illness me I know is still there waiting to come back through, desperate to be nourished and nurtured enough to be released of ED’s chains and live a relaxed, hopeful future, experiencing and appreciating every simple life pleasure like never before….
And my job now is to beat off ED so I can be that person again… cos I really really miss her.