A week ago I started a new recovery approach.
After a few weeks of high anxiety levels, distress & to-ing & fro-ing with the ‘right way’ to do recovery I needed to find a way through.
I don’t work with ‘specialists’ or under medical guidance & my route to recovery is my own messy & self guided way!
Last week I set myself a new & more terrifying plan & I committed to it.
I changed my mindset.
The anxiety & distress immediately reduced.
It’s still early days & it’s still not easy but so far it’s working better than anything ever has.
I was already weight restoring on my old muddled approach & now I am even more so but I am also appreciating my body more too.
I don’t fear the weight gain as I did & because the recovery changes I am making are meaningful now & I don’t feel I am ‘doing recovery’ in quite so disordered a way as I was: the gains in terms of weight feel more justifiable in my head & less distressing.
Plus, over the past couple of days I am also starting to feel early benefits of a better nourished brain.
There are tiny rays peaking through now where life feels a tiny bit more possible.
Already, I can reflect back on some of the ED thoughts & actions I was using just 2 or 3 weeks ago & see how crazy some of them are… although when I was in them at the time they were so real & compelling.
Every now & then now I am also starting to feel the old me beginning to chip her way out & pop to the surface for brief moments…
And this means that hope is glimmering more than ever.
It has taken so many weeks of pain, distress & anxiety that I never thought would end or that I could tolerate to get to even this early point & I know that there is much more pain to come to get to full recovery but feeling the fleeting glances of what life might be ED free now keeps me going.
When doubt sets in, I hold onto these times.
So, please, no matter how impossible, distressing, chaotic & messy it feels day after day after day to try to eat more food & rest & let yourself be nourished or how many times you slip back – just keep going!
The sooner you do, the sooner you might also feel the early benefits of nourishment!