I try to keep my posts here honest & so today I want to be open about my last day or so…
Over the past week or more I have adopted a new recovery approach, taken on a new mindset & it has been going really well.. I’ve been making more progress than I ever have before in terms of recovery action, mental shifts & understanding what I need to do to recover.
However, yesterday I was affected by a number of things that led to me struggling with a huge range of emotions (& not positive ones)…
Memories of my past were triggered & issues I have that I have not yet dealt with hit me harder than an emotional freight train.
I was overwhelmed with hurt, tears, frustration & anger – more intense emotions than I have had in over a decade.
For the past 12 years the ED has numbed all negative emotions for me… when things happened that were difficult for me to process…. Well, I didn’t process them -I blunted them, ignored them & used the eating disorder to avoid feeling them.
Therefore when the emotions of last night & today hit, my automatic responses were strong urges to restrict, to be more active, fear of weight gain intensified & my body image was worse.
It has been an incredible battle of wills not to race back to the safe, numb world of the eating disorder.
Of course, at this stage of recovery, when for 12 years the illness has been my way to manage pain & emotion, I have not yet developed healthier coping skills… as let us face it the harsh truth is we have to let the unhealthy coping mechanisms go, in order to adopt & rewire with less destructive ways to deal with difficult times.
So, today I felt like I toppled over the edge of the recovery bandwagon & had to hold on with my fingernails to the sides.
This evening though, I have dusted off, given myself a talking to, processed my thoughts and tonight and tomorrow I am using every ounce of energy, determination, motivation and commitment to stay right in the centre of that recovery bandwagon and on track… time to get back with the recovery program!
These tough days will come but I won’t be toppled that easily!