Hitting a little low patch…
Throughout this recovery so far, it’s been an emotional rollercoaster but the past 2 days have been tougher than my usual dips.
Tears, anxiety, frustration, anger & general pissed off-edness had become my norm, intermixed with feelings of exhilaration, achievement, success & even occasional playfulness!
Lately things have been improving but now the constant recovery grind & exhaustion, trying to keep a step ahead of the eating disorder, has become draining & left me depleted.
Over the past 2 days there have been many tears shed & a greater level of disinterest in engaging in the world than I’ve had for…
I still care about everyone but everything feels an effort.
All I want to do is be indoors, on my own, ideally curled up & eating.
The eating disorder would rather the curled up & eating parts were not a factor but I’m too tired now to even let ED win.
If the eating disorder won today, I have to fight harder to gain the ground back tomorrow & that’s more energy I don’t have, so I might as well ignore the ED generated anxieties: putting the energy I do still have into investing in a better future!
And when I think about it, I can make sense of this lower mood…
The fact I’m even disinterested in going to the shops (which the ED uses as an excuse to move & my animal brain drives me to do as a means to hunt/seek food) tells me a lot.
I think, finally, with having been eating much more, my brain is now reassured that it can stop the hunt: food is available & so it’s now begging me to stop, rest & eat.
This is why I feel exhausted & more hungry than ever. This is my body finally saying it is depleted, worn down & starved & begging that I stop in this safe place now, where food is available & eat it!
And this is why I feel low… the body is clever -it wants me to disengage & feel unmotivated to do anything, other than rest, eat & let it heal.
So, it’s hard & miserable but this is my body communicating & it’s time I trust it.
My body’s agenda is my health – my body wants to stay alive.
My body wants to rest & needs fuel to repair.
It is time to finally hibernate, eat & grow ready for a new beginning!