Will our efforts in recovery ever feel ‘good enough’ to us?
As I write this, I have had another day in recovery land…. and recovery is long and tiresome at times.
It is never ceasing having to focus on eating more, not letting the eating disorder into decisions on the food side and keep alert to its manipulating ways to get me using other compensatory behaviours while my back is seemingly turned!
It is emotional, it is anxiety provoking and minute by minute, day by day it is really just exhausting and tough.
I think though one of the most frustrating things about recovery is that many of us with an eating disorder like to really do recovery well.
We have high & unrealistic expectations for ourselves in what we should achieve each day or each moment of the day.
Time and again, I see or hear others in recovery berate themselves for not having completely ‘let go’ of the eating disorder, despite the fact that they did conquer meaningful small victories over the illness during the day – a bigger breakfast perhaps, an extra snack, a nap when they would usually be out compulsively moving.
And I am the same – if ED has had a look in at all in the day, I feel that I have not done well enough – I feel defeated.
But, let us face it – this illness is not overcome in one day of deciding to eat more and not compensate and it’s good bye ED!
This illness is overcome by showing up each day as best we can and keeping at our purpose to recover – by eating more, by resting more… but as this is a truly real and strong illness – the recovery process is never going to be pretty and it will always be far from perfect.
ED will win some of our battles.
So, sitting this evening, feeling befuddled again about whether today was good or bad in recovery… with my berating head saying it was not good enough as ED still has a hold where I would love it not to, I have decided no…
No more ‘not good enough’ tonight!
Recovery takes time and is a process that builds with ongoing efforts.
Recovery is not perfect on any day and that’s ok…
So let’s not be complacent in recovery but also celebrate what we have achieved… however small or big, even if it is just that we made it through the day to the other side!