Having survived a few storms lately and being aware that some of you are in the thick of one now, I thought this quote appropriate and I was reflecting more on it.
There have been times in this illness and now in recovery, when darkness has descended on me.
Sadness, despair, loss of hope, distress so strong I never thought I would tolerate it and a failure to be able to understand what this is all about…. Why should I continue, will it ever end?
But despite this, I have managed to keep going, clinging on despite feeling I would not be sorry in that moment if a meteor struck!
Even when I have felt that I could not tolerate much more, I have clung onto the knowledge that everything in life is transient.
These feelings, my life situation, this illness can all change and will all change, if I hang on, if I keep going, if I just wait.
When my head & the darkness tell me that this distress will never end, I have found that glimmer of curiosity, just strong enough, to get through it… to see what else might happen.
I am not a religious person (sometimes I wish I were) and I do not hold strong beliefs in a greater being who has a purpose for us that we can not know, but I do believe that perhaps, some day, we will find our own ways to grow and find meaning from these incredibly dark times.
I also try to remain curious-
What could happen next?
Could it get any worse?
Might things improve?
There is only one way to find out…. and even if it were to get worse – well that is not infinite either.
So, holding on and pushing through are at times the only options I see available.
Getting through the ‘storm’ of an eating disorder and all it has done.
And, as this quote says, there are times that storms on this journey have come and gone and I have never been sure how I survived them.. and my full brunt of storms are certainly not over yet, but I also feel them changing me.
I learn from every storm I sit through and I grow from it…
And I hold on.
So, please, if you are in a storm and see no end – please hold on.
Use any curiosity you still have, use your loved ones, friends or peers here to cling to and just remember nothing in life, even darkness, lasts forever.