Eating disorders are cruel.
They make us depressed, anxious, obsessive, compulsive, routine driven and rigid… causing us to isolate and become very disabled.
They make us deprive our body of essential nutrition and push it to physical limits most would not survive at.
And yet despite this, we still strongly believe that we are ‘not sick enough’.
Not sick enough to deserve to eat & rest, to deserve treatment or time out of work & other aspects of life to focus on healing.
I think that the eating disorder wants us alive but at the most depleted, miserable and isolated state possible.
Hitting this point, I realised that the eating disorder would never let me believe I was ‘sick enough’.
Despite being intellectually rational on most levels and having medical knowledge, my eating disorder wouldn’t let me recognise how sick I was.
Heart palpitations?… It’s ok says ED -the heart is beating.
Weakening physical strength? ED response – to push my body harder.
Weight lower than it ever should be? Not low enough, never low enough for ED.
Dizzy spells? But you haven’t collapsed, says ED.
Abnormal blood tests? Well… the doctor knows about it!
Bone density scan showing osteoporosis? But you have no broken bones!
Depressed with thoughts of self harm or suicide… ED don’t care.
Can’t eat outside rigid routines or with others; can’t sit down without guilt, terror of weight gain BUT still not sick enough.
AND despite this I felt I had more energy than most.
I slept well when I was at my sickest.
But I did know the physical signs my body was trying to send to stop, eat and rest were being masked as I kept my body starved and in a constant artificial adrenaline fuelled survival mode which could not keep me alive forever.
I had to push past the eating disorder belief that I was ‘not sick enough’ & force myself into recovery.
And when I eat & rest more, the body signals telling me I am sick enough come through and I look back with horror at the way I was living just a few months ago, believing I was ‘ok’.
So… if you don’t believe you are sick enough to recover – to eat, rest and stop life for a while to focus on healing, please hear that you are!
Stop delaying and stop believing you have to feel worse.
Please do recovery now!