When accepting help creates terror but it’s not why you think.
I have just had one of those dawning moments that make some of the recovery fears a little clearer.
I consider myself an inadvertent victim of the traditional treatment I’ve received ‘help’ from in the past.
Models where meal plans were barely adequate to feed a child let alone a malnourished adult.
Meal plans that we weren’t allowed to eat under but if anyone were brave enough to admit hunger beyond the plan, it would be treated with suspicion.
It’s taken me years to allow myself to believe it’s ok to eat more than I was told in treatment, let alone as much as my ravished body cried for.
It was even longer before I let myself start eating these amounts.
This ‘treatment’ is why in recent years I refused to see ‘specialists’ despite how sick & desperate I was – terrified they’d merely reinforce the eating disordered mindset I needed to beat!
But I’ve also resisted ‘help’ from anyone with my eating.
Today, I realised another reason for this:
Yes, I’m afraid of eating anything that’s not in my (or ED’s) control but it’s more than that.
I know if I let someone else take control or even full guidance over my eating, that I’m truly terrified they won’t feed me enough!
Most don’t realise how much I now eat & nobody knows where my restrictive rules remain or just how deep my hunger is despite what I’ve eaten AND of course the eating disorder makes me feel shame & guilt for this hunger.
If someone were to feed me or tell me what to eat in a day, I know they’d never match my mental hunger and this would make my feelings of greed and disgust worse, anxiety would rise with more inner turmoil and the permission to eat more I currently give myself would be harder to find.
Even if someone fed me 5000 calories a day, if I’m hungry for more, I’d feel even more guilty for that hunger than I do already!
And to rewire I have to let MYSELF eat anything with no limits, without external permission and despite external triggers.
Only I know my fears… only I know where ED still lurks & where my work in recovery still lies.
Recovery is messy but it will get less so if I eat without restriction, with honesty to myself of what that is!