An eating disorder is sneaky and will use any trick it can to keep us sick & delay taking essential recovery action.
I wrote before about how we can think that there will be a magic light bulb moment to recovery that will suddenly make the whole process simple and easy (there isn’t!!).
I waited for my lightbulb but it only started to flicker on when I put in the action to brighten it.
The other delaying tactic though was waiting for a sign that now was the right time… I would negotiate that I would get myself better if I had some arbitrary sign it was right to do so!
I’d tell myself, I will eat whatever I want and as much as I can and I will velcro my butt to the sofa and I will stop fearing the consequences when x happens….
And the x that had to happen would be something completely out of my control… whether it was a world event or something that had to happen more directly in my life…
I would wait for that sign from the universe.
This rarely ended well.
Either x did not happen.
Well it might still happen I’d think, I will wait longer….
Then… x has still not happened, so perhaps living in ED bubble world is my fate?
OR the event that I’d decided would be my ‘permission to recover’ signal would happen.
Then I’d be thrown into more turmoil – because let’s face it, just because there is a ’sign’ (well in my head there might be) it doesn’t make the illness less powerful and the fear of recovery – the fear of weight gain, food, rest is still as strong.
So, then what usually happened?
Other ED mind tricks – the delaying sets in.
‘Ok, I have a sign but today is not the right time – I’ll do it tomorrow’!
….or the ‘but it was never really a sign to start with’!
Let’s face it, with an eating disorder, we could have all the signs in the world, it would not make us recover.
There is no sign, there is no right time, there is no permission to be had from anyone but ourselves to recover.
WE have to be our sign – WE have to be our permission slip.
BUT if you really want a sign -here it is – here is your sign to start recovery NOW, not later – NOW….
And mark this day in your diary as the day you had your sign to do recovery and so you did!