Deep down, all I’ve wanted to do for years is spend time curling up in a blanket, being warm, feeling safe while eating good food… but in the illness this freedom was never ‘allowed’….
Well, not without intense eating disorder generated fear and anxiety attached so it was barely even contemplated.
Now I give myself much more permission to eat unrestrictedly and to rest … of course there is still anxiety attached but that’s improving.
However, as I was resting this afternoon, even more restfully than usual and eating to fill my bottomless pit belly… a rumbling of discomfort was sitting with me that is also quite familiar.
And this discomfort is a fear that the permission to eat and rest I have now is temporary.
Tomorrow it might be gone.
Or when I have fully weight restored then I can’t keep eating without restriction and resting as much as I really want to.
This concept is terrifying… as when you have denied yourself most basic human needs such as adequate food and rest for so long, meeting these needs again is all you ever dream of and feels like a slice of heaven (when the anxiety is lower!).
But if there’s a risk this eating and resting is just a temporary permission slip then my less than logical brain says… well in that case, why bother?
You don’t want to get used to this luxury & then find it’s no longer allowed.
Stick to your usual activity and restricted intake!
Oh… so many mind games to hurdle just as I’m trying to get five minutes peace & rest!
All just another torturous form of ED madness!
Deep deep down I do know that I can eat as much as I want forever more and be as sloth like as I choose until my dying day… but it’s hard to hold onto that as fact when the eating disorder is persistent in saying otherwise!
So I have still been resting fully, eating and sitting with my fear that the permission to do so will be gone tomorrow… and just really hoping that it is not!
I keep reminding myself that recovery means freedom to eat freely, rest freely, live freely.. no rules, no torturous routines, no misery and starvation – never again!