This morning I opened a jar of moisturiser given to me as a Christmas present about 3 years ago!!
I have always kept a bag filled with my new & special things which I would not allow myself to use…
This week I remembered this moisturiser I had stashed away and thought, why not use it?
So I have started to enjoy it and now my brain is a bit less starved, using it is really not a big deal.
Apart from it IS a big deal because it shows that I am slowly evolving from the eating disorder scarcity mindset.
A starved brain cannot comprehend that it is in an environment of abundance.. because if it were, why would it be hungry and not fed?
So, the scarcity mindset sets in, believing that everything in the environment is scarce, so it logically believes that ALL resources must be used cautiously!
This keeps us even deeper in the illness, as not only can we not eat unrestrictedly but we cannot LIVE unrestrictedly either!
Reflecting on this, I though I would share some of the other ways that the scarcity mindset has affected me over the years of having this eating disorder:
– Using any ‘luxury items’.. keeping them unopened, rather than enjoying them.
– Rarely buying new clothes, but if I did not wearing them!
– Only ever buying the cheapest products and being the weirdo who hovers around the reduced counter…. Yes, most people like a bargain but not to the point that it’s the only part of the shop they visit or stalk the staff doing the reductions!
– Buying something but returning it, not ‘allowed’ to keep it.
– Having to use everything up to the last drop or crumb, even if I didn’t like it.
– Feeling a glimmer of satisfaction if I could portion an item of food out to more than the packaging advised, so ‘save money’!
– Eek out petrol. I could only buy petrol every x number of weeks and then only a certain amount…. This limits how far you can travel!
– Not allowing myself to do nice things – day trips out, theatre, museums, cinema etc..
– Not letting myself put the heating on at home to ‘save fuel’… making winter all the more miserable & very cold!
I know many with eating disorders will recognise this and it is another thing that needs addressing in recovery so that the brain trusts the environment we are living in is more than abundantly stocked, not just with food but everything!
Slowly though I am finding it is getting easier to beat.