I feel I am at a strange stage in this eating disorder recovery.
I have done the early bit where what you have to do is incredibly complicated in an eating disordered mind but really very simple – eat more food, rest and forego behaviours.
The what you eat, where, when or how does not matter really – the basic urgency at the start is eating more than you are so you start getting nutrition to a starved brain and body.
I have done that part – I’ve very messily overcome the way my brain made eating more incredibly complicated and managed to adapt to eating recovery amounts of food.
I am addressing a lot of my movement and other ED compulsions that were also blatantly obvious!
Now I feel I am sailing along in that recovery space… but I know that the work is not yet done.
I have not yet really learnt how to not be anorexic.
I have got the recovery basics under my belt but I am far from an advanced level, although I think I’m ready to move to the intermediate class.
If I compare recovery to learning to drive a car, I’m at a stage now where I can do the basics – I can put it in gear, I can move forwards and I can turn a corner… I stall from time to time but I can just about get where I need to go… It would be possible to stay at this point – I can get to destinations. I won’t pass my test and I might still need support to keep driving but I can drive!
That isn’t really the point though of driving is it?
You want to know all the tricks and manoeuvres and to drive independently and skilfully.
So too with recovery.
I want to not just drive, stall and start my engine again.. I want to glide along, change gear with ease and learn the further tricks.
Parallel parking?? Bring it on!!
So, in recovery I feel more fine tuning is now needed.
I need to seek out the bumps still in my driving and learn how to make them smoother & I need to start to practice those scary things like reversing round a corner (eating a 3 course meal in a restaurant!) or parallel parking (spending all day in my pyjamas with three tubs of Ben & Jerrys!).
Just like learning to drive, recovery takes practice to get the basics and then fine tune and learn the rest…
But with enough lessons, we will soon lose the L plates!