My anxiety over the past few days has been rising again, after a couple of weeks where it had been lower than ever – and not because the eating disorder was winning!
The return of the anxiety was an unwelcome surprise a few days ago and instead of abating again as I hoped it would, it continued to rumble and slowly grow louder.
Over the past few months of recovery I have been learning a lot about my anxiety and what might trigger it.
One thing I now know is that the anxiety I get is usually present because there is something that I am deeply conflicted about and perhaps too scared to even admit to myself what that might be.
Digging deep, taking time to reflect and try to calm my racing mind this afternoon, I realised that the anxiety now is being triggered by the fact that I am dissatisfied and frustrated.
Don’t get me wrong – I am proud of the progress I have made and not sliding back but I want more and I have been feeling stuck in how to achieve this and the ED pull not to strive for more was growing louder.
Having gained a reasonable amount of weight relatively quickly over the past few weeks makes the eating disorder pull to slow down and to not push harder more difficult to resist.
But I know too if I slow down now in my pace of attack that I am asking for trouble – and trouble that leads only one way – a slow slide back to the warm but miserable arms of the illness – not a place I will go back to if I have a say in the matter!!
The inner conflict between wanting to push harder and face further challenges, food and weight gain because that means eventual mental freedom and recovery versus the desire to avoid the fear and slow down in my recovery journey has been generating this anxiety.
Now I have identified it though, there is only one thing to do.
Eat more, not let my intake slide even slightly, address those challenges I have yet to face while I continue to repeat earlier challenges, keep resting, keep gaining & never ever let complacency set in…
Simples!! So, watch out ED -tomorrow I am coming for you…