Fears of comments about ‘looking well’ or weight gain during eating disorder recovery??
Recently I have been meeting up with more people who I have not seen since gaining a reasonable amount of weight as part of my eating disorder recovery.
Of course, like many with an eating disorder, when I see someone I have not seen for a long time and I have gained weight and look ‘healthier’ I worry about any well intentioned comments they might make in case my mixed up little eating disordered brain decides to twist their words and hear, ‘you look fat’… which in turn leads to the eating disorder increasing its volume of stop gaining weight thoughts!
Over the past couple of weeks I have met up with a couple of friends and family members and I know I do look a lot ‘healthier’ than when I saw them last.
I always feel slightly anxious before seeing them because of this… perhaps also because people might think weight gain = recovered and I am still a very long way from that point!
However, despite my concerns, no one has commented so far in my hearing about my appearance, how well I look or weight changes and that has been a relief.
But, actually, when I am with them I also have thoughts that I am not sure I would really mind if they did comment. I am getting better and I am changing in appearance – I don’t always like that fact: it feels alien at times and sometimes it makes the eating disordered thoughts louder, but it is ok!
I am aware that the more people I see in the coming weeks and months and as my body changes further, I cannot avoid comments about my appearance and actually I think now – that that is fine- f*&k it!!
I am going through a process many won’t understand (and why should they?). I am fighting to get my life back and actually each bit of extra flesh I gain is a trophy in one of many battles against the eating disorder which have included tears, hysteria, frustration and anxiety but I got through them and so I should be proud of my weight changes and rock my body, no matter what weight or shape it decides to become!