The past few days I have had growing levels of anxiety and tonight it culminated in a bigger scale break down.
Tears, frustration, anxiety and ongoing feelings of being very overwhelmed with life and with recovery set in.
I sobbed and I hurt deep inside and I felt foggy about what I was even trying to achieve in recovery any more or what I needed to do to achieve it.
No one could help.
And the more distressed I became, the angrier I became too.
The confusion and the frustration and the overwhelming surges of anxiety when I thought about eating again finally resulted in anger…
As anger set in, I went from despair and hopelessness to seeing red at this illness, being pissed at the miserable years it gave me and frustrated with myself for almost letting the eating disorder win again.
I swore and I felt a little crazy and if a man in a white coat had been in the vicinity I might have been in a straitjacket before I knew it!
Luckily there was no man in a white coat… there was just me, finding food, getting mad, swearing and deciding that if this illness was going to keep making me feel this shitty and this distressed and as no one else could help me, I would eat my way out of it.
I surrounded myself with the foods I could find and wine(!)
And I set to eating because I am done with this eating disorder.
If the way out of anorexia is food then bring it on!
I thought I was doing ok with this eating thing but ED is still trying to pull me back too hard and too fast and I am sick of it.
Angry eating is when I do my best eating and when I did sit, with my food and released a little of the strong ED grip, it felt instantly better and I felt calmer…
And so I still sit here, as I write this, surrounded by my empty plates & food wrappers but I have more food yet to eat and I will keep going…. Recovery is about rewiring the brain not to fear food, not to fear sitting and eating and not to fear weight gain.
So unless I sit and I eat a lot of food and let more weight gain happen, my brain won’t fully grass over the disordered pathways and I really wish it would… !
Therefore, tonight I gave a bit more grass seed to the eating disordered brain pathways and sent a huge steam roller through a new pathway in my brain of eating and resting without restriction with less fear of the consequences!