Wow… those early days of recovery eating could be pure mental torture when it came to trying to make a food decision.
The agony and processing that an eating disorder brain will put us through in making a pure and simple choice of what to eat next is not even describable.
And the sad thing is that truly, the indecision is just us still trying to restrict and attempting to eat, maybe a bit more, but still to the rules of the illness. The food indecisions and torment are just another form of mental hunger and stem from a powerful scarcity mindset.
Because if we are really eating without restrictions then there are few decisions… whatever sounds good to eat and is available goes!
We don’t need to choose between x and y when we can have both, along with z and m, n, o, p and q!
But I do remember the pain and agony of those days of food indecision only too well.
And I would try all methods to make decisions… Sometimes I’d ask someone (often my mum) to decide for me but then because they had either chosen something I really wanted but was terrified of or had not chosen the thing that I really wanted, was scared of but wanted ‘permission’ to have, I would just get more frustrated and then upset at their lack of psychic powers.
In making decisions over what to eat in recovery, we must learn that no food is off limits, there’s no too much and if someone suggests something and our response is intense and emotional… well there’s a fear right there that we need to get walking straight into!
Food decisions should not be emotional.
Food should not be emotional… well, ok- it should be pleasurable and delicious but should not cause anguish or distress. When it still is causing fear, confusion, turmoil and anger then there’s still a problem to tackle.
I look back now at those days of mental anguish and torment in trying to decide between rice crispies and shreddies (yeah seriously!) and I shudder.
But I’m also happy to say that now I don’t get this same food indecision. I can decide on what food to eat without hours of mental gymnastics.
That’s something else incredible that recovery is bringing me.
And today, this whole little post was inspired by my very good friend who asked me this morning to support the coeliac community** and buy myself some Kitkat easter bunnies!
Once upon a time, this might have thrown me into more food indecisiveness.
When would I eat them?
Where would they fit into my day?
Do I replace something else with the bunnies??
Nope… none of that today.
Just happy to go bunny hunting and start delicious bunny devouring into my belly without the decisions and mental anguish and all just a part of a day of other good eats.
Recovery can often be quite nice and when it involves Kitkat bunnies it’s delicious too!
** Coeliac community as in people with true coeliac disease and who can only eat gluten-free products. Bloating after eating bread does not mean you have coeliac! **