A Post Originally Written For Instagram Towards The Start Of My Recovery:
Some mornings I wake up and the automatic eating disorder brain pathways are so strong that it can be easy to forget I’m not to follow them and need to walk another path today too and not just yesterday!
I therefore have to give myself a little talking to and reminder some days…
Today was one of those days!
Reminder to self-
An eating disorder left you hollow, cold, brittle, inflexible, rigid, routine driven, emotionless, uptight, robbed of joy in life, isolated, anxious and really very miserable.
The eating disorder might convince you that you are in control but that is so far from the truth. The illness comes to control every aspect of your life the longer it goes on.
If I was really in control the act of eating something unplanned and spontaneous would not create feelings of panic…. Being flexible around food, rest, the need to gain weight would be second nature and not take intense mental battles and willpower.
The only way to really have control is to recover. Put real meaning back in my life.
Ensure that my future can be fun, spontaneous, free, warm and filled with joy, love, laughter.
To get there takes hard work but the results surely must be better than staying in a miserable and disordered existence.