In a perfect world, eating disorder recovery would involve our being able to grasp a clear and consistent understanding on what recovery takes.
We would hold onto what our ‘prescription’ was & even though executing it isn’t easy, we would keep a basic understanding of the plan, why it was such and the hoped for outcomes.
However, this is not a perfect world!
We might have our plan for recovery and for all of us at its most basic this should be eating a lot, resting and letting go of other #EDbollocks.
But the degrees of mental clarity in terms of being able to understand the plan and visualise where it could lead vary greatly day to day.
Some days are bright and clear, others get foggy and on some we plunge into a pitch black darkness of mental block!
On a clear day we can feel rational, understand what recovery takes, see the path to take and view the distant shore. The sailing can feel not just calm and safe but exhilarating.
Other days, the fog sets in…
It’s harder to see the shore and we can be confused as to which direction is right and how we get there.
Rational thought feels harder to grasp.
Despite this though, there is still a flicker of light flashing in the distance and occasionally we catch a glimpse of it, allowing us to momentarily see the correct path and this is just enough to keep us from veering too far off course.
Sadly there are also days when pitch black darkness descends.
You can’t see where you have been, which direction to go and cannot remember how you even got to where you are now.
It’s frightening and you feel lost and alone.
These waters are treacherous.
You want to curl up and hope that safety will find you but you know that is unlikely without action.
All you want is a beacon of light to not just light up the path but scream directions at you, offering reassurance and hope.
These different degrees of brain fog are especially confusing as on a clear day you can’t remember how you got so lost on the dark days and on the dark days can’t comprehend how you ever saw the light!
All we can do is stay in the boat, no matter how rocky, nauseating and terrifying or how lost we feel.
But…. Surely if we stay onboard reaching safe land eventually is inevitable?