Recently I feel I have been doing better in recovery than ever, with great days of eating LOTS more, resting more, accepting weight gain.
On bad days though I’ve still struggled to eat my usual ‘safe’ recovery amount or keep to a conservative recovery routine without intense anxiety.
Of course recovery is ups & downs -good & bad days with a bit of emotional turmoil to spice things up!
But I have been reflecting on what it is about the better days that makes them easier.
One aspect that has been consistent over each good recovery moment, was I adopted a mindset that was resigned to recovery action.
I set my mind to, ‘this is what I’m doing’, taking the option of anything else away and a blind leap of faith into it.
When I do, the inner turmoil & conflict over ‘do I eat this or do I have something ‘safer’’ or ‘do I negotiate with ED to ensure less payback’ almost fades away (ok, it doesn’t completely go!).
Perhaps using the black and white thought processes so prevalent in my eating disorder and taking them to the recovery end of the spectrum, ignoring grey areas has helped.
I also find that keeping my mind otherwise very calm (as far as is possible in the real world) is essential.
Staying calm in body & mind keeps me further away from the fight:flight mode that most of us in ED recovery walk along the edge of daily.
In a calmer mindset and in allowing the brain to open to the possibility of recovery action, I find the hunger is stronger, I can tune into my body signals better & it’s a bit easier to start to indulge in the food & resting freedom I crave after over a decade in starving ED hell.
Naturally, this is still eating disorder recovery and so far from a walk in the park it’s laughable, so holding onto that resigned mindset is tough as the ED creates more stories to not stay on course that are ruddy convincing!
However, like anything in recovery, it’s a learning process – finding what helps, learning when things don’t work and dusting off to push forwards again.
I hope the more I stay in a resigned mindset, taking the choice of alternatives away, despite the ED chatter, the easier it will be to progress forwards.. one moment at a time!