Throughout this eating disorder recovery journey so far, I have been through a range of emotions, of which many have not been hugely positive… But now there are days when I actually start to not just feel positive emotions, but I have felt relief, gratitude and actually a bit lucky.
Over the past few months I have been through phases in recovery of anger and hurt at the world and this illness that was inflicted upon me, pain for all I have lost as a result of the eating disorder and dare I say it, I have sunk into self pity at times too…
There were days when the anger, pain and grief for all the years, people, opportunities and life I’d lost to this illness felt too much to tolerate. Of course, these emotions were miserable and distressing to go through but I also think they were very very necessary.
I have written before about the purpose of negative emotions and I think all the emotions I have had and still get now, no matter how hard they are or were… I believe they served a purpose.
Lately though I have been feeling less sadness, less grief (although my grief for those years of illness will never fully go)…. and instead I have been feeling grateful and lucky.
Grateful and lucky to have got this far into recovery after years of miserable existence in an illness that holds so many hostage and kills far too many….
Lucky to be able to do things now… just ‘normal’ things, that I had lost hope of ever being part of my life again.
Fortunate to have a home once again I can call mine. A safe place in a beautiful town where I can gradually pick up the pieces of my life and rebuild a future I want to live.
And I know I am so incredibly lucky to have enough freedom again to start to take on more life opportunities and I feel such relief that I can start to glimpse a potential future filled with things so many take for granted…
A social life, fun, laughter, food, drink and spontaneous events… love, stability and comfort.
And although life isn’t yet perfect and I have a long way to go yet in fully building this recovered life, I can now envision it and believe it is possible and I have started to lay the foundations. I am finally excited for what could be and I want a future.
I do want a future and I didn’t want one when I was so sick.
Yes. Sometimes now I am hit by a flood of emotions that are not so much of grief for what I have lost to anorexia but they are of overwhelming gratitude for how fortunate I am to be getting better and finding that life is still waiting for me…. Because I now know that life waits for us all, no matter how long we take to rediscover the true meaning of what our lives can be.
And perhaps when we do reach that life of simple pleasures, we won’t take them for granted as so many do because we will have learnt so much from the years of illness and perhaps that is something else to be grateful for.