Well, it turns out that at times a little hysteria really does help.
Lately in recovery I’ve been getting higher levels of anxiety than I was… I have always had anxiety with eating and resting more, gaining weight etc but the past week or so it had been escalating.
I know that in recovery it is to be expected – they say that the anxiety often gets worse before it gets better and I am sure I still have not been through the worst of it!
The past few days my inner turmoil, anxiety and distress though had been gaining momentum.
And with no longer having the eating disordered behaviours to resort to to deal with any negative emotion and not yet having really learnt what to do with these emotions when they fire up, I have been feeling a little like a pressure cooker inside, ready to explode!
If anyone (usually a family member) were to so much as say good morning… let us just say, over the past few days, it was a risk as to whether their head would be bitten off as a result!
There were moments this week when the lid would be partially released on my inner pressure cooker, I would vent a little steam(!!) and then manage to put the lid back on and carry on with the day…
Today, however, as I was preparing my lunch, the lid to the pressure cooker within me erupted at an explosive rate.
I couldn’t even say what triggered it – I wasn’t particularly anxious about lunch… I think it was just the overwhelming emotion and anxiety of the whole recovery process that finally fully released.
And… I became what could only be described as hysterical for a short period of time.
I let out every bit of that internal emotion and frustration at once – it was frightening and I felt out of control… but actually it really helped!
And afterwards, I sat down and calmly ate my lunch, while my poor parents were probably traumatised!
Since then I’ve been feeling much less anxious but I’ve used this experience to get even more pissed off at the eating disorder for putting me and even worse for putting my family through this ordeal AND I have stayed the course with eating all I can to push this illness out my life.